An introduction (waouh)

[rolypolyphonic]

Salutations. I am rolypolyphonic, a ghost inside a computer.

I discovered this forum from the MelonLand forum. I like joining a lot of 'small web' spaces like this, mostly because I do not like mainstream social media, but I cannot promise to be particularly active because I do not actually like communities very much. Ironic, innit. I am all about things being ironic. 

I have [takes a deep breath] 'hebephrenic schizophrenia premorbid schizoid and schizotypal personality disorder', and that's a defining part of my personality. _{Hebephrenic isn't a diagnosis anymore, but I designate it because it matters.}

I am supposedly an 'artist', although I don't like to call myself that, for ideological reasons. The fact above is context for my somewhat unconventional motivations for creating: I rarely read/watch/play/etc. anything (which is another factor I do not talk very much: I cannot relate to 'fandom' discussions) and I do not participate in any 'social media for artists' so I do not really know many other artists personally. But because I cannot relate to nearly anything that already exists, I ended up trying to make things I myself would relate to. I write a hypertext multimedia webseries, which is mostly a webcomic with a bunch of other stuff like videos and prose and viddy games here and there. Because I have little experience with tropes and conventions of what makes stories 'work', it is a very disjointed story, but I am glad I can make it at all. My primary goal now is to finish the story. 

Although these factors are clearly large barriers of entry when it comes to any form of social interaction, I can still appreciate lurking around and seeing what people are doing. Part of why I like the small web is it is the best place to find people who are working on their own projects because those projects are meaningful to them, with little heed for 'marketability' or 'virality'. I would not undercut that even artists of the Mainstream Online Sphere value their own creations, and attention matters in its own right, but it is simply not the life for me.

My main interests are: psychology (especially schizophrenia-spectrum conditions), schizofiction (genre I decided my work is classified as), experimental fiction, metafiction, dolls and dollmaking, Homestuck (kinda), Vocaloid (sorta).

My eyesight is not up to snuff these days, so I cannot get on the computer very much anymore, but still, I look forward to seeing other people's creations and hope to visit from time to time to see what people are doing. 

[kringle]

welcome to the forum rolypolyphonic! a core tenent for me when making this forum is to encourage people to engage with the space on their own time, and not feel pressured to post constantly. it is kind of ironic tho LOL.

i think its really neat to create media u can relate to in response to not seeing that in the world aroudn u, i checked out your comic earlier today and u deff be postin! i don't think u have 2 be following tropes if your creating for your own personal enjoyment, whats important is that ur finding ur process satisfying and finding joy in developing ur craft.

fingers crossed ull b able to finish ur story!

admittedly can't rel8 2 not identifying as an artist (i'm better about it now but i feel like 'artist' is one of the core qualities that got chosen in the simz character creator when i was born) but its really cool to have someone in the community with a different perspective, interested to see how u'll enagage with what we talk abt on the forum!!

would also love 2 hear more abt the experimental fiction ur interested in.  hope its fun 2 check the forum out when u choose 2 enjoy ur computer time:comfmonk:

[rolypolyphonic]

Thank you for the welcome. I hope your forum gains more traction. 

admittedly can't rel8 2 not identifying as an artist (i'm better about it now but i feel like 'artist' is one of the core qualities that got chosen in the simz character creator when i was born) but its really cool to have someone in the community with a different perspective, interested to see how u'll enagage with what we talk abt on the forum!!

would also love 2 hear more abt the experimental fiction ur interested in.  hope its fun 2 check the forum out when u choose 2 enjoy ur computer time:comfmonk:

I think most people I have seen who are technically artists but don't feel comfortable 'identifying' as one tend to be impeded by lack of confidence in their work ('Is my art good enough to really call myself an artist?') so I definitely understand the impressions surrounding it.

For me part of my discomfort around it is because I never related to other artists (not only visual art but any kind of art) who feel they 'need' to create out of an innate passion and a sense of enjoyment for the process. The sense of calling one's self an artist, as a noun, strongly comes with the identification of being ie 'This is what I am, and the art I make naturally follows because it is my nature/passion to be an artist.' The skill it takes to create art may be learned, but for most artists it seems the desire to start to begin with is intrinsic.

I never felt like it was in my 'nature' to be an artist and I generally don't enjoy the actual process of making anything (I consider this a consequence of the anhedonia/avolition associated with schizophrenic negative symptoms). It feels to me like the entire process is reversed: I don't make things because I have the 'drive' to put creativity into action. Rather, I have to put it into action because there's things I want to make. Before I started working on my current project, while I did sometimes write/draw it was never really a 'hobby' of mine.

It's mostly just a matter of semantics in the end: anybody who makes art is definitionally an artist. It just feels somewhat 'off' for me personally; there is something important to me in recognising that the desire to make my comic exist is what 'made' me create art, as opposed to me being an artist is what 'made' me make a comic. Perhaps it is that being able to recognise that I am capable of putting so much work into it despite being the type of person otherwise disincentivised from doing it stresses just how meaningful it is for me, when seeing how it interacts to how being schizospectral has always stopped me from enjoying most of anything. 

[kringle]

. It feels to me like the entire process is reversed: I don't make things because I have the 'drive' to put creativity into action. Rather, I have to put it into action because there's things I want to make. Before I started working on my current project, while I did sometimes write/draw it was never really a 'hobby' of mine.

i feel like this is quite a normal journey. learning a craft is like climbing a mountain. you start at the bottom and look up and go "i want to do that" and then you start the climb up. while its true many artists enjoy the process i think its a bit of a misnomer that its *always* enjoyable and like, that it just springs from our hands. i think an equally strong part of the artistic process is banging ur head against the wall and experiencing extreme (sometimes even debilitating levels of) frustration because u have no idea what your doing. i know i have a few friends who actively hate at least one part of the process that they always have to do to get their desired results.

but ultimately yea its a matter of schematics, we craft our own identity & thats whats most important at the end of the day. i'm glad that ur able to create the things u want even when finding the joy in it is hard 

[rolypolyphonic]

i feel like this is quite a normal journey. learning a craft is like climbing a mountain. you start at the bottom and look up and go "i want to do that" and then you start the climb up. while its true many artists enjoy the process i think its a bit of a misnomer that its *always* enjoyable and like, that it just springs from our hands. i think an equally strong part of the artistic process is banging ur head against the wall and experiencing extreme (sometimes even debilitating levels of) frustration because u have no idea what your doing. i know i have a few friends who actively hate at least one part of the process that they always have to do to get their desired results.

but ultimately yea its a matter of schematics, we craft our own identity & thats whats most important at the end of the day. i'm glad that ur able to create the things u want even when finding the joy in it is hard 

Yes, of course I don't mean to suggest it is 'easy' for any artist. Every artist will eventually face frustration and hardship in their work. Either way, I think it's more typical for artists to enjoy the process in general, even if there are incidents or periods here and there where they find the process frustrating. In my case it's not that I 'sometimes' don't find it enjoyable. I never 'enjoy' any part of the artistic process, and I don't really like drawing/writing/etc. I do it only because the final product is meaningful to me. I also only plan on doing my current project, and once it is finished I have no interest in drawing again afterwards. 

I think to use an analogy a lot of people cook but generally people aren't going to see themselves as 'chefs' or 'cooks' unless the process itself is something they feel a particular connection to. It's not that home cooks aren't 'actually' cooks, but typically people use the identification to signal less about what they actually do and more about their feelings/relationship to the thing they are doing. For other people, 'cooking' does not really matter to them by itself, only the food. I feel the same way about creative skills, where things like 'drawing' and 'crafting' don't really hold any special importance to me, only the creation that I have at the end of it.

I feel like for a lot of artists one of the most common reasons the artistic process stops being enjoyable is because they have certain expectations of how the final product will end up as, so typically a 'product-oriented' mindset isn't very helpful. In my case I already knew it wasn't something I could enjoy, since my inability to enjoy most things isn't really an issue of my 'mindset' but a matter of neurology. So the sort of things helpful for most artists to retain their 'spark' isn't really helpful to me, and vice versa. In the end though, regardless of what a person prioritises, I think what matters is that people feel like what they are doing is meaningful. Nothing hampers creativity more than a person feeling like what they are doing doesn't have a 'point', and that applies whether they are creating for the sake of enjoying the process or for finishing a product.